Keys to the Locker Room: Why Femme Women Still Gotta Hustle Harder (Copy)
Let’s talk about the exhausting reality of being a feminine woman, especially in industries where we’re still constantly underestimated—like poetry event planning. In 2024, we still have to prove ourselves more than men or masculine-presenting women. Trust me, I’ve tested this in real time. My ex (she) and I used to run social experiments: I’d make a request to an artist, and then she’d make the exact same request with the exact same tone and words. Guess what? We got 100% different results. Why? Because there’s this weird, ingrained respect people seem to have for men or masculine-presenting women that they just don’t naturally give to femme women.
Do you know how many times I have heard “You’re intelligent… and beautiful, too” - That’s NOT a compliment, people. What you’re saying is that you weren’t expecting me to be intelligent AND beautiful. You had already decided that I was “attractive” (Yes I know…beholder) but you needed to be convinced I had something worth saying, whereas my male counterparts you’re already open to what they have to say - it’s on them if they fxkc it up. Or I hear, “OMG… I wasn’t expecting that from you.” Really?! What were you expecting exactly? Again - not a compliment.
And the audacity that you think it’s OK to share your thoughts to my face.
It’s honestly wild, the amount of pushback I still get while producing Poetry vs. Hip-Hop in different cities. It’s almost like people feel I’m intruding on some imaginary land that no one even owns. Really? My goal has always been to produce high-end shows in places where poetry isn’t the obvious choice. I don’t want a cookie for that—but don’t tell me I have to work twice as hard either. And while that tiny sneer of doubt I get from people is more like a pebble compared to the massive encouragement I receive, let me remind you: I’m a princess, and that shit keeps me tossing and turning at night.
And the audacity that you think it’s Ok to tell me how to run my business. (Yes, Asia - I learned the hard way. LOL Inside joke) I remember I had a suggestion I wanted to share with Luis from Voices In Power that I thought would be cool for his open mic and I had so much anxiety even thinking that it was my place to even share it, and I told him so and “got permission” from him before offering up my idea - because, obviously, he knows what he’s doing.
But, nah - “you” just walk right up to my face and say “Hey, you should… ever think about…” Bro! Send me an email, be half-way professional about it, I don’t even know you and we have not established any sort of relationship. That’s like me walking into an Apple store… “You know you guys really need to fix the life of these phone cords, right?” It may be true - but guess who has sold 93 billion phone cords and who hasn’t? Them vs. Me. LOL.
The truth is, I’ll never be able to please everyone. I’m not trying to. Let’s be real, thinking every bit of feedback is valid is ridiculous—some of it needs to be tossed out with the bathwater. Yes, I’m mixing metaphors, but you know exactly what I mean. After 23 years of being a servant of the Spoken Word and Poetry community, here’s the kicker: the biggest consumers of what we do are women. And yet, we still don’t race to support one another the way you’d think. Instead, research shows that women would rather support a leader they feel they can be with (male, female, or trans) than support a woman they once aspired to be but fell short of becoming. Talk about internalized competition! Here’s a great article about that dynamic in leadership psychology if you want to dive deeper: [The Psychology of Leadership and Women].
Oh, and in case you forgot, women in 2024 still get paid less than our male counterparts. In entertainment? It’s even worse. We’re often offered less than our less-talented male colleagues. So, you know what I did? I made my own lane and created my own paycheck. A wise woman once told me, “Have your own shit so nobody can tell you shit!” And listen, I’m a humble servant of God and my community—I take feedback, but I only apply the advice that helps me level up. Period.
So, here’s to all the women out here building businesses, burning both ends of the candle while lighting sage, watching lesser-qualified men go viral. It’s okay, ladies. This isn’t a race. Comparison is the thief of joy. Just look up in five years and see who’s still got their doors open.
And let’s be clear—this isn’t a “men ain’t shit” blog. Quite the opposite. Men, y’all get it. You understand the game, and you’re awesome at what you do. We women? We just have to always figure out how to get the keys to the locker room.
But trust… once we’re in, we’re not leaving!
Here’s a raised whiskey on the rocks to all the women out there making moves despite the odds. I see you. Keep going.
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