The Spectrum of My Existence: A Journey Through Neurodiversity 🤯

As I sit down to write this, in Jamaica Queens City, NY - coming off the high of my first Voices In Power feature in Brooklyn, I’m reminded of two things: 1-Nothing beats being on stage; the rush, the magic you cast over the room, the complete attention that’s directed at you and how they’re waiting to react and at the same time you’re waiting for their reaction to connect and your message, mission to land and crack their chest open with emotion.

And 2-I’m reminded of the many years I’ve spent navigating life as a neurodiverse person, often feeling like a solitary traveler in a world that didn’t quite understand me. There was a time when I didn’t even recognize the term "neurodiverse" as a part of my identity. Instead, I was simply the girl who saw the world through a kaleidoscope of colors and details—each nuance bursting with life, meaning, and possibility. It’s been a journey fraught with challenges, but also one filled with profound triumphs.

In my earlier years, I faced the cruel weight of misunderstanding. My ex used to call me "slow" to my face, a label that felt like an anchor dragging me down into despair. It was a horrible experience that made me question my own worth and capabilities. But the truth is, being neurodiverse doesn’t mean I’m slow; it means I process information differently—at lightning speed, actually. While others might take time to grasp a concept, I’ve often already analyzed it, rewritten it in my mind, and crafted a whole poem about it before they’ve had a chance to laugh at the punchline. I’ve realized that my mind operates like a high-speed train, and sometimes, I just have to wait for everyone else to catch up.

Through my writing, I’ve discovered a unique strength. The very things that once felt like weaknesses have turned into my superpowers. I notice details others often overlook—the way sunlight dances through leaves, the subtle inflections in a friend’s voice, the emotions hidden beneath the surface. These observations enrich my poetry, allowing me to paint vivid landscapes with words, capturing emotions in hues that resonate with my readers. I’ve been fortunate enough to have my work recognized by distinguished writers, who’ve labeled me a "genius." Those words have become my armor, reminding me that my perspective is not just valid but a gift.

However, in my personal life, the question of when to disclose my neurodiversity has been a challenging one. It’s a delicate balance, weighing the potential for connection against the fear of misunderstanding or rejection. When do I drop this bombshell? Will they see me differently? The uncertainty often hangs in the air, heavy and unspoken. But as comedian Ellen DeGeneres so brilliantly pointed out in her recent Netflix special, "...we're all on the spectrum; that's why it's a spectrum." This revelation has been liberating, reminding me that our experiences are varied and that my journey is just one of many.

In the creative realm, my neurodiversity has transformed into a superpower. It fuels my imagination and gives my work depth. It allows me to create connections where others see only chaos, weaving threads of thought into tapestries of emotion. I’ve learned to embrace my unique perspective, knowing that it’s this very difference that makes my voice resonate. The triumphs I’ve achieved as a writer and an artist have been deeply intertwined with my neurodiverse identity, reminding me that while the journey can be challenging, it is also incredibly beautiful.

So here I am, standing proudly in my truth as a neurodiverse woman. I’ve navigated the stormy seas of misunderstanding, emerged stronger, and found my voice amidst the noise. I’ve learned to celebrate my unique perspective, knowing that it’s not just a part of who I am but the essence of my creativity. My journey is ongoing, but every step I take brings me closer to the realization that my neurodiversity is not just an aspect of my identity; it is a powerful force that enriches my life and the lives of those around me.

As I continue to explore this spectrum of existence, I invite others to join me in celebrating our differences, embracing our unique gifts, and recognizing the beauty in the diverse ways we all experience the world. Together, let’s illuminate the path for those who come after us, showing them that being neurodiverse is not a limitation but an incredible opportunity for growth, understanding, and creativity.

Here are ten signs that you might be neurodiverse:

1. **Unique Learning Style**: You may have a non-traditional way of processing information, preferring hands-on or visual learning methods.

2. **Sensory Sensitivities**: You might experience heightened sensitivity to sensory inputs, like sounds, lights, or textures, which can be overwhelming.

3. **Difficulty with Social Interactions**: You may find it challenging to interpret social cues or engage in small talk, often feeling out of sync in social settings.

4. **Strong Focus on Interests**: You might have intense focus or passion for specific topics, often immersing yourself deeply in those areas.

5. **Struggles with Executive Functioning**: You may face difficulties with organizing tasks, managing time, or following through with plans.

6. **Emotional Intensity**: You might experience emotions more intensely than others, leading to heightened reactions in various situations.

7. **Difficulties with Change**: You may find transitions or changes in routine particularly challenging, preferring predictability.

8. **Unconventional Problem-Solving**: You might approach problems in unique or creative ways that differ from typical methods.

9. **Feeling Different or Misunderstood**: You may often feel like an outsider, struggling to relate to those around you or feeling misunderstood.

10. **High Levels of Creativity**: You might express yourself in imaginative ways, often thinking outside the box and coming up with original ideas.

For resources on neurodiversity, consider visiting the **Neurodiversity Hub** (https://neurodiversityhub.com). This site provides information, support, and community for neurodiverse individuals and their allies.

Every day, I would run down the driveway, shouting "Daddy, daddy, daddy!" as my father came home from work. I leaped onto his leg, and he would swing me to the side door of our Detroit home. Those moments were pure joy, a genuine connection fueled by my unfiltered excitement.

But everything shifted when I began seeing Dr. Katz. In a private conference room, he unleashed a torrent of venom, yelling that I was worthless, a waste of time, and just like that, my innocence shattered. It hurt even more when my father revealed he thought my excitement was an "act," that my joy was somehow fake. I was crushed. My love was real, as real as my neurodiverse heart, which fiercely feels everything deeply.

What I've learned is that neurodiverse individuals carry that same intensity for others, diving headfirst into emotions, only to find ourselves in a world where feelings can fade. I now understand why I overthink past encounters, always worrying about the emotional weather of those I meet.

But hey, I guess it just means we love harder and bounce back stronger. So if you ever feel like I’ve met you before, just remember: it’s not déjà vu; it’s just me refusing to let go of my love, for you!
🫶🏽🤍✨

Love, Bethsheba